[Revisiting]...How to Self Care?

Transcript available here.

Hey, kids! After some much-needed rest, we're coming back next month with new episodes! In the meantime, don't get caught up in the capitalist sensation of much of the New Year "self-improvement" mindset. Instead, we recommend using this time as a reminder to prioritize wellbeing and care. As such, we're bringing back this conversation from Season 2, where we discuss what self care is (and is not) with Patricia Petit-Liang, host of Fatal Attraction on CJLO 1690AM.

-----

Do The Kids Know? is a weekly series of discussions between community workers, Prakash and Kristen, that unpack race, media, popular culture, and politics in KKKanada (That’s Canada spelled with three K’s) from an anti-colonial perspective.

Our goal is to bring nuance to sensationalist media as well as to uncover the ways in which white supremacy, capitalism, and colonialism is shaping our movements and behaviours. 

Keep tuning in to be a part of the conversation… don’t be a kid who doesn’t know!

Find us: @dothekidsknow (Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, TikTok)
Email us: dothekidsknow@gmail.com
Support us: patreon.com/dothekidsknow
Newsletter: tinyletter.com/dothekidsknow
Artwork by Daniela Silva (instagram.com/danielasilvatrujillo)
Music by Steve Travale (https://stevetravale.com)

DTKK is recorded on the traditional and unceded Indigenous lands of the Kanien’kehá:ka Nation. We are committed to working with Indigenous communities and leaders locally and across Turtle Island to fight for Indigenous rights, resurgence, and sovereignty. 

Until next time. Stay in the know~!

Transcript

Prakash  0:00  
Hey, y'all just a quick message before the show begins that this episode was recorded almost a full year ago. So when we were deep in pandy lock down, and so some of the conversation that we have in this episode might feel a little dated, or not as reflective of our experiences now that things seem to be opening up. But you know, what, who knows? What's gonna happen in the future. So I still hope that you sit tight and listen, because Patricia gives us some great gems on how to do some good self care in these times. And one other note is that there were some audio issues, mostly in Kristen's mic. Again, we were struggling with the remote recordings. So apologies for that. I think it's definitely still listenable. And I hope you do indeed listen. And what that little forward, let the show begin.

Hey, y'all and welcome to Do The Kids Know? That is the show where we talk about race, pop culture, media, those kinds of things from this kind of context, which is Canadian. Kristen and I are joined today by our friend and radio goddess angel from above Patricia, the host of the surreal comedy show Fatal Attraction on CJLO1690 AM, which airs every Thursday, check it out. She's been doing radio for nearly nine years. It's incredible. She is also my senior in the MA in Media Studies program at Concordia University. And she's brilliant. She teaches the kids in her real life. She takes cares of folks all around her. And we thought that she'd be the perfect guest to talk to us today on Zoom, to discuss self care in quarantine. 

Patricia  2:07  
Thank you for having me, of course. 

Kristen  2:09  
Yeah.

Prakash  2:12  
So we're going to discuss the ways that the burden of caring of others seems to always fall on people of colour, but particularly women and femmes of colour. So today, we're asking do the kids know about care work? And I'm gonna plug the title Care Work. There's a really a great book to read, Care Work: Dreaming DIsability Justice by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha that talks about care work, care webs, from a context of disability justice, which I think is a framework that we should all be using to think and talk about care in our lives and the lives of our friends, family, and community. 

Kristen  2:49  
Nice. 

Patricia  2:49  
Beautiful. 

Prakash  2:51  
So you know, for the sake of time, we want to keep this, we want to keep it pushing. But hopefully Patricia, we can have a more casual conversation with you in the future. Because I think you have so much to share. You are like truly a community leader out here.

Kristen  3:05  
Yes.

Prakash  3:05  
Out here in these comms studies and Media Studies streets.

Kristen  3:09  
Yes. 

Prakash  3:10  
A Concordia legend. 

Kristen  3:11  
Yes.

Prakash  3:12  
Fashion icon.

Kristen  3:13  
Yes. 

Prakash  3:14  
Yeah, the most beautiful instrument I've ever seen. 

Kristen  3:16  
Yes.

Prakash  3:16  
There's so much to talk to you about. But I think first, I'm really curious to talk to you and Kristen, about being women and femmes of colour who have become sort of like the defunct caretakers in times of stress, particularly COVID. But also, maybe you might have other times where I'm gonna call it a burden, because we'll discuss when the burden of care has fallen upon you. Even though both of you are the youngest in your families, have older siblings, older sisters in particular. 

Kristen  3:48  
Yeah.

Prakash  3:48  
And yet, here you are, young and free, and not free. 

Patricia  3:54  
Yeah.

Prakash  3:56  
Doing, doing the work, doing the work of care for your parents and other people. So I'm gonna ask you, why do you think this burden falls upon the women and the feminized people to do this work?

Kristen  4:09  
Because toxic masculinity? Men have never had to care about emotions and about people. They just bring home money, and then sit there and then go to work. And then that's it. So they bring home the money for women to do the things. And so that's just the patriarchy. We've always been taught that because we are the feminine one. We are the one who's supposed to take care of all the things that the man is too busy to take care of. And taking care of all the things looks like actually giving a fuck about the people who are around you. And whether they are physically, emotionally, mentally well.

Patricia  4:47  
Exactly. Yeah. And I feel like yeah, so much of that dialogue about like mental health and like well being, like it's not talked about like in the patriarchy like wellness isn't something that's like, a priority and especially to like... care is so so racialized and like this burden of care like often falls onto like Black, Indigenous, women of colour because of like all of these other like, racist stereotypes or like assumptions people make. You know about being strong and independent, but also the forcing women of colour to grow up too fast, too. We're both infantilized, but also made to grow up too soon.

Kristen  5:33  
Y'all can't see. But I'm having a full body reaction to the words that Patricia just said.

Patricia  5:38  
Thank you. 

Kristen  5:39  
Like, yes. At the same time that I am told that I'm a child, I'm also told that I need to care for everybody who's older than me. And I don't... How do I...  What?

Patricia  5:51  
How do you get to live like your youth and like, enjoy it? When like, yeah, you're kind of in a situation where you're trapped. And then like, it's exactly, I'm sure you can relate. And then it's like, but your older siblings got to go and have fun and like, live their lives.

Kristen  6:08  
Right? Like, so at the same time that I'm too young to do all the grown people things that you are doing. I'm also doing the grown people things that you don't have time to do because you grew up before me. Like I don't understand. 

Patricia  6:20  
Yeah. Yeah.

Prakash  6:22  
I think care seems to be like a gender neutral word. But the application of it is not, right?

Kristen  6:27  
Not at all.

Prakash  6:28  
Like how in a nuclear family and how does like the man care for his family? It is through labor that provides income to like support financially this family and that's kind of like where the support seems to end versus like the woman in this in this like, heterosexual nuclear family is probably also in these days also working, getting paid labour because we can no longer afford to live on a single salary...

Kristen  6:52  
Exactly. 

Prakash  6:52  
...within a household. But then also like, if I can remember the study, I found this from I will, I will cite it in the show notes. But you might think that this is a carryover from you know, our parents and grandparents' and previous generations, even people in our generation, like in Gen ,Y millennials, who were also out here like getting married again, the older end of the millennials are in their 40s, early 40s, late 30s. And studies have found that even them like when they have, like rate themselves as being in an egaleterian partnership. 

Kristen  7:24  
It's not.

Prakash  7:24  
Actually post marriage, it's not. They end up defaulting? Defunking?

Kristen  7:27  
Defaulting.

Patricia  7:28  
Defunking.

Prakash  7:28  
Defaulting.

All  7:29  
[laughing]

Prakash  7:32  
They end up defaulting to, to...

Kristen  7:35  
The same stereotypes. It's also the just that like, my mom is a nurse. And so I will never like forget the stereotypes associated with just certain professions. Because like female doctors enter a room and patients, nine times out of 10 will assume that they are the nurse and not the doctor. And so it's also that like, while care is neutral. It's not neutral when there's a position that in like the ethos and in society, we attach a lot of knowledge to it and a lot of like know how. So doctors are very knowledgeable about the body. So obviously, it wouldn't be a woman in that role. It would be a man.

Patricia  8:14  
Yeah. And then like the expectations too tied to gender. Like if a woman doctor isn't affectionate and sweet. She's a cold hearted bitch. But if a man doesn't have like, you know, any sort of bedside manner, like he's really professional, he's so smart. 

Kristen  8:31  
It's fine.

Patricia  8:31  
We love him. 

Prakash  8:32  
And so I want to ask, like, particularly about your experience recently being caretaker in these times, and how maybe you like negotiated being caretaker all of a sudden versus like, you know, taking care of yourself. 

Kristen  8:47  
Yeah.

Prakash  8:47  
We'll get more into like our self care practices later. But yeah, how have y'all been managing? Or are you okay?

Kristen  8:55  
Um, for me, I am okay. I am six hours away from my family. So I'm not able to continue the care relationships that existed before COVID. I'm just not physically able to be there. So pros and cons.

Patricia  9:12  
Well, that's it too, right? Like that's what I've started to notice, too, is that like, people who live by themselves in the city, it could be either a really isolating experience, or they have more access to like their friends and like support networks, because they don't have someone at home that they're afraid of getting sick. They don't have to deal with as many elderly and immunocompromised people in their lives, potentially. Whereas in my case, I've been taking care of my mom over the past few years because she was diagnosed with breast cancer. And so when COVID happened, it was just more of the same except now I don't get to go outside and see my friends. Or like if I want to have access to the rest of my family that lives nearby who is elderly and immunocompromised, then I can't see my younger friends. And so it's created kind of like... I mean, everyone has a COVID bubble, but I don't know I'd love to hear. 

Kristen  10:04  
Yeah, your bubble is limited.

Patricia  10:05  
That said I'd love to interact more with like people my age. But also people who like have similar experiences to me and are like, you know, beautiful queer folk, just trying to figure things out. But that's again, right, that whole idea of being both infantilized and forced to grow up too soon. I'm so bored all the time. I want to just like, I don't know, go on a date or something be messy. And at the same time, though, I don't feel like I would say like caretaking is complicated, right? Because you don't want to say like that the other person is a burden. They're not. I love them, I care about them. But then it's like, all of the violence that's attached to that to. Taking my mom to like her. Like, you know, her doctor's appointments. Being visibly Asian with a white mom, like people often think like, I'm her maid. I'm her caretaker. God, she had to go through like surgery last year, and they didn't update me about it at all, because they didn't think I was her family member. Other times too like, my mom's gotten into like car accidents. And we've had to have like the ambulance drivers and like the firemen and like the police come to our house. And God that was such a scary experience. But that, of course, again, like I'm a light skinned like, East Asian person, like my experiences with the police aren't like, they're not that big of a deal. But like, literally, they came into my home and were immediately suspicious of me. They looked at me and my mom, and they didn't realize that we were related. And like they were just like interrogating me the entire time. Like, what is your relationship with this woman? And like, I told them, like, she was my mom. And they're like, oh, I don't believe you, like, you're probably lying. And like, it wasn't until, yeah, it wasn't until like, they saw the pictures of us together like in our home, that they were like, oh, like you're not an immigrant like learning French from this woman. Like, this isn't like a maison bienvenue like a welcome house for like, you know, immigrants in Quebec like literally like she's your mom. You are, oh, you're biracial? Like that's so funny. And so then like the ambulance drivers were yelling at everyone who would come into the house afterwards. Hey, did you see this? Like this person's half-Chinese? Isn't that weird? They're a little bit Chinese that have like, yeah, that's my mom was okay.

Kristen  12:17  
I just... The casual racism that you just... I...

Patricia  12:21  
Yeah, that's not even the worst thing I've experienced. But I think when it comes to...

Kristen  12:26  
I know its not and I hate it. I hate it.

Patricia  12:29  
Yeah, that's it.

Prakash  12:30  
I just passed away. I hate this so much.

Patricia  12:32  
Like the police and like ambulance, like they're awful. My experiences are definitely not the worst. And I definitely have worse experiences to talk about. But that just makes me even angrier that like, you know, I feel uncomfortable in this moment. And someone else has it 1000 times worse. So that's why we got to fight for like everyone, like make sure they feel safe when they're getting care.

Prakash  12:54  
This is a really great transition to the next kind of care that I want to talk about, which is community care, right? So we care for our families, right? Some of us feel that responsibility more than others, as we just discussed, again, it's women and femmes. And then we're going to talk about our self care in a minute. But how would we think about caring for our community in general, and maybe, maybe particularly now, right now might be harder. Because I think often we think about our communities, we think about, you know, how, and where we gather and now that we're not really like gathering in the same way. But I think what you're saying is important, like we need to really, you know, like care for our community, especially now, you know, when times are tough. And so how are we doing that? Or how are we thinking about it? What are things we can do now that we can no longer like, maybe gather in the same way as especially like someone like you, Patricia, who was physically unable to gather because the risk to your loved ones who are immunocompromised? Kristen, I'm gonna start with you.

Kristen  13:47  
I will always like Kristen go first. I will always let everyone go first. No pressure.

Prakash  13:52  
So Kristen, will start with you, you are a member of the Black Mental Health Connections Montreal. So I think it's pretty evident by the name, but maybe you can tell us more about what y'all do, maybe what you did, specifically, and how you're bringing mental health resources to your community and how you define that community.

Kristen  14:10  
Sure. So like pre-COV- Black Mental Health Connections has existed for quite a few years now. And it's a group of organizations and individuals who are collectively working to bring mental health resources to the Black community, specifically the English speaking Black community in Montreal. So far, those resources have looked like amplifying what the various member organizations are doing, or trying to find grant funding for particular projects that people want to promote or to run, but since COVID, and we were working on it before COVID but now like isolation has made it so much harder for people to gather and people to really feel this sense of community that we were building and that we were working on. And so for us right now, building community looks like having a like really pushing social media and getting people to interact that way. And we're looking to launch some peer support groups to get people to interact that way, it'll have to be virtual but we're hopeful that even just like a regular, I don't know, monthly Zoom meeting or a like biweekly Zoom meeting with a group of people who look like you who want to talk about the things you want to talk about, is how we can continue to care for our community, while like COVID is happening. because I don't know specifically in the Black community, we don't really talk about mental health. We disguise it under other things. And so for us to even talk about mental health is a first step. And then for us to talk about mental health in a situation where you can't physically be around the people you want to talk about it with makes it so much harder. That's how I'm giving back to my community right now is trying to find ways that I can like spread the conversation about mental health within like the Black community of which I am a part of which like, having poor mental health is still very stigmatized. And even just like acknowledging that you have mental health, like quote unquote, issues is very stigmatized. And so it's like, creating spaces, virtual spaces, to keep that conversation going for all of us, because we need to.

Prakash  16:17  
Patricia, you and I are both of the Asian...

Patricia  16:20  
Of the Asian persuasion. 

Prakash  16:23  
Oh God. But I think at least I felt like someone earlier like that. The mental health conversation is just...

Patricia  16:33  
Abismal.

Prakash  16:33  
...not in our... Yeah, it's happening in our communities. 

Kristen  16:37  
Okay. Do they like disguise it under... Like, there's like specific ways that they phrase things where like, you know, that they're talking about depression, but they're talking about depression without actually talking about depression. Or like, they're talking about anxiety without actually acknowledging that it's anxiety. Like, you know, that person worries that person worries a lot. Like actually, no, that person is anxious.

Prakash  16:56  
Yeah, at least like, within my family, and there's like, we really, yeah, talk around the words depression and anxiety and these other ones like, oh, like, you know, really stressed. 

Kristen  17:05  
Yeah. 

Prakash  17:06  
Yeah. Right. Just like really like busy or like, I'm really tired. 

Kristen  17:10  
Tired is a big one. Yeah. 

Prakash  17:12  
Even though it's like quite a few people in my family have been like, by a medical professional diagnosed with having various mental health issues. And yet, so now, it's like, we all understand these words. And yet, we continue not to use them, which is, yeah.

Patricia  17:29  
Wow.

Kristen  17:29  
I'm still just like, you got diagnosis. That's great. 

Patricia  17:32  
Well, that's it. Yeah. 

Kristen  17:33  
It's like, going to see, like, doctors, that's a white people thing. 

Patricia  17:38  
Yeah. 

Kristen  17:38  
White people have mental health issues. Black people don't have that.

Prakash  17:41  
Yeah. I think I think part of it has been like seeing doctors who are also brown or Asian. 

Patricia  17:47  
That's wonderful. 

Kristen  17:49  
Yeah, yeah, it is. 

Prakash  17:50  
It's a thing for my to like, be like, okay, this is not like a white thing that's made up. You know, this is this is real. And it's called trauma like, y'all need to...

Patricia  17:57  
Oh, my God, trauma. Yeah. Well, that's it.

Kristen  18:00  
Just like, that's buzzwords blinking, like what? Neon lights. Trauma. 

Patricia  18:06  
And my family, it's like, no, you're just not working hard enough. You've got a bad attitude. 

Kristen  18:11  
Yeah.

Patricia  18:11  
You just don't want to make the family proud. It's very much like within that saving face, like East Asian mentality. And it's like, this is great. Or exactly like having a complaint about another person in the family. It's just like, Oh, you're just trying to cause problems, like, it's not them, who's the problem, it's you who's the problem, because you're not accepting them or like, you know, being a good enough like little sister to like the family. And it's like, Ah. 

So I think that's one thing that's really important, too, I guess, like, you can't do it with every family. But I found, at least with like, the case of like, my immediate family has been recognizing their own trauma and how they're victimized, in like a lot of ways and like, maybe they don't realize it, and they don't have the vocabulary for it. But I started developing that vocabulary for myself. And although they've victimized me or like done things that have been traumatic to be the past, then they get this doesn't work for everyone. Some people, you can't forgive them. But at least like in the case of my family, I find when I talk to them, like in a kind of what's the term, restorative justice type of way, but obviously, restorative justice still has, like, you know, not not punishment, but there are still consequences for like negative actions. But when I talk to my family members, as if they are victims, that opens up like a different dialogue that I've never had with them before. Because they don't want to take any blame for anything. So I go Oh, baby your life so hard. And that's apparently gotten me a little bit of like wiggle room in those scenarios. And like, that's led to like a bit of healing, but there's still a long way to go and I am grateful that I'm in a space and like that they're open enough to listen to me because they they didn't listen to me in the past but...

Prakash  18:41  
I think it's a very like generous way of like engaging conversations with people who like don't want to have it when you're like...

Kristen  20:07  
Yeah.

Prakash  20:08  
Okay, like yes you hurt me but also you have been hurt and let's acknowledge that. 

Kristen  20:11  
Yeah.

Patricia  20:12  
Yeah.

Prakash  20:12  
And Patricia, I think like you have done so much learning, unlearning like maybe either like despite up or because of everything you've gone through and like I don't think you've acknowledged this for yourself but you are truly like a leader in our like, you know, because the community extend beyond and aside from just [all laughing] not the fake tears.

Patricia  20:30  
I am crying a bit.

Prakash  20:34  
I fully just saw Patricia like, in the mic, grab a tissue like out of nowhere, just like lightly dab each eye.

Kristen  20:40  
Where did that come from?

Prakash  20:41  
The actor. Performance. No, but like, you're truly are like, I think a leader in like the comms community of Concordia, which is like quite big. I feel I meet people everywhere who are like, oh, yeah, I do comms too and I'm like, damn, comms is so slutty. And, yeah, you know, we've talked a lot about our, like, ethnic communities, but communities extend beyond and aside from just ethnic groups, and I think also, you are really like a mentor for a lot of maybe not like literally younger students. But for people who are emerging in the arts, or media, or entertainment, or comedy streets.

Patricia  21:16  
Thank you.

Prakash  21:16  
There are better words for what I'm saying. 

Kristen  21:18  
It's alright, we know what you mean.

Patricia  21:20  
Oh, I'm gonna cry. You two are so sweet. Thank you.

Kristen  21:23  
I mean, facts are facts. 

Prakash  21:25  
Facts are facts. There is a question here, like, when you are doing all of this, like work, you know, because it does work. And I know, it's like work that you like, want to be doing. But when you're thinking about, I guess maybe an ethics of care for the people who are like, under your tutelage. You know, what is your approach to like, taking care of people in a way that hopefully doesn't make you their therapist? But maybe you are becoming that? And how do you maybe like...

Patricia  21:48  
I mean, yeah. 

Prakash  21:49  
...keep those parts of you separate? 

Patricia  21:50  
It's complicated, right? Because, like, a lot of, yeah, if you were to ask me five years ago, like what I have ever seen myself, like, you know, in the position that I'm in today, like, I never would have believed it, like, I felt so disempowered. A lot of the reason that like, I try to mentor and like love everyone in the department as much as I can, and like educate other people. Like it comes from like a place of anger and hatred and pain. I've had so many terrible mentors over the years who have like, lied to me and like put me in dangerous, like violent situations. Like, I've literally been, like, assaulted by like, people who have offered to mentor me, who like fetishize my Asianness. And this happens over and over and over again, like, especially the education system, as like a woman of colour, like, is so violent. Again, within the Canadian context, like, again, for Black and Indigenous, like, students of colour. It's even worse, like, it's just so, so awful and bleak. And like when I think about all of the creepy teachers I've had, over the years, all of the teachers who have like, you know, faked interest in my goals and dreams to try to lure me like into, what's it called, like private spaces, like, I get so mad, especially to like our department to isn't... Oh, it's, I'll let you go first.

Kristen  21:58  
No, just... I'm now so angry on your behalf.

Patricia  22:20  
I mean, it still happens to me, even as a communication studies master's students. Even teachers from other departments, they see me walking around at school and like, they'll hit on me There's this one teacher, whenever he sees me walking around in my high heels. He tells me about how much it reminds him of his ex wife who used to be a dominatrix. 

Kristen  23:32  
I...

Patricia  23:33  
And like, I literally have to go to school. 

Kristen  23:36  
Oh my god.

Patricia  23:37  
Yeah, but this is like this is just like my everyday life. I literally will be on the same bus as my classmates, and people will like grope me on the bus in front of them and they don't see it happen to me. 

Kristen  23:47  
And they don't do anything. 

Patricia  23:47  
They don't do anything but oftentimes they don't even notice too and then I have to have a conversation with them like in the hallways and like act like everything's okay. It's yeah, but that's why like part of COVID is nice too because I get to stay home and also like I'm experimenting a bit more too with like the way that I dress. Not to say that the way that I dress was inviting any of it or like deserving of any of it but I don't know I got tactics now. I wear long coats now so that I don't have to you know have someone touch exposed skin or something like it's such a nightmare, but literally yeah. 

Prakash  24:21  
I think it's just so ridiculous. I like you are just living you know your best high femme life. 

Kristen  24:25  
Yeah.

Prakash  24:27  
Every day I see you at school. I'm just like, Oh, damn, Patricia is so good looking. And has like such nice clothes. When he like, just like well put together and I'm like, Oh, these are goals.

Kristen  24:37  
Yeah.

Prakash  24:37  
And like I wish like the sound of your heels. I'm like, Oh, I always appreciate the walking on the corner. I wish it had like, you know, as powerful heels. Yeah, I want to be like, you know, like three extra feet tall.

Patricia  24:49  
Well, I'll tell I love and honor myself. It makes me feel powerful.

Prakash  24:53  
No, it's amazing. No, truly, and I feel like at least I think that's that's why I've been like, you know, particular drawn to you like not because I'm like, ooh, let me like, be creepy, but I'm just I yeah, this is like a powerful high femme, I want to like, absorb this, like, you know, the power, the knowledge, the creativity. Not just absorb but also, you know, I want to be this person's friend, I want to like know who they are and like, you know, I think like you have been a mentor to me and I think like, you know, the way that you like channel your rage to motivate these other students who maybe are living like very, like precarious lives, especially now like it's so amazing.

Patricia  25:28  
No, I'm absolutely honored that I could do that for you. And I feel the exact same way about you, Prakash. You're such a beautiful soul and you're so talented and smart. But that's it right? Like, if my experience is like, again, like a light skinned biracial East Asian woman is like dehumanizing. Like constantly every day, like, it's like that for everyone else, like a million times more and like I have to use that privilege then to make sure that people are being taken care of. That people can be in spaces where like, their complaints can actually be heard, and that they're believed when they talk about these things. Like I've I've been in so many different situations where I've had like entire communities like turn on me or treat me like a novelty, when they find out about like all of the violence and like abuse I've experienced over my life. And so I never want to make a student feel like like they're a freak, because they're not. Like they're literally someone who's like trapped within like a white supremacist patriarchal colonialist system. And we need to empower them to recognize that they are legitimate artists with so much to offer, and give them as many opportunities as they can have. So... 

Kristen  26:36  
Well like, that leads me to, while you are doing all of this care work to make sure that your family is taken care of. And all of these students who you want to safeguard and provide support to like, while they're being taken care of. Who's taking care of Patricia? How is Patricia taking care of Patricia, while you give so much of yourself to others through care work?

Patricia  26:59  
Right? I mean, yeah, it's complicated. I try to be the person that I need, like to other people the most that I can, but it is hard. I think part of it too. And like I'm sure, perhaps you too can both relate. But it's like, when you have such dysfunctional or like violent support systems that aren't violent, because like, I don't know, maybe you have like, for example, like in my case, I had friends who were overly possessive of me, like very obsessed with me, and like controlling me, like very insecure. And so now I'm not friends with those people anymore. But like that kept happening over and over and over again. Like I would end up with groups of people who, Oh, you're so cheerful and like, you're so sweet. Like, let us take advantage of you. My problem is that I become avoidant of other people and I become very solitary then. And like, that's one of the things that I'm really grateful about you Prakash, you send memes. Like, I'm like, oh, making friends with people sending memes, but I definitely feel like like the group of friends I've made like as a Master's student in the Concordia Media Studies program. Like, this includes you, Prakash and Kristen too, I hope we can be friends. But literally, like, I've made so many amazing friends like for life, like, literally, I've met so many different, like queer students of colour. Who they get dehumanized in the classroom. And they recognize it, and they're mad about it, too, you know, and we can get together and collectively like, talk about how, yeah, dejecting. And yeah, discouraging, like the entire, like university experience is. And then otherwise, yeah. Again, like, I'd love to say like, yeah, like, I love my wake queer classmates, my white queer classmates. But then my other white classmates, like they call me the help. Like, they literally call me the help of a department. And I just got to sit with that. And like, you know, keep going. And it's...

Kristen  28:55  
I...

Patricia  28:56  
...just strange.

Prakash  29:00  
I have once again passed away.

Kristen  29:03  
I'm just, I don't even have words to describe how angry I am... 

Patricia  29:07  
Thank you.

Kristen  29:08  
...that they have the audacity to do that. 

Patricia  29:10  
Yeah. 

Kristen  29:11  
To anyone.

Patricia  29:12  
That's, that's how the department or not the department, I should say. That's how like the education system, especially at the university level, I guess in Montreal, is done is that like, if a student has a problematic belief is the other students job to educate them and the teachers don't get involved. That's how it feels.

Prakash  29:30  
I think this is the case like across the university system that like the university as an institution is there to maintain a status quo, right? Which like, often puts like racialized students or faculty, especially like, feminized racialized students and faculty alike in a position of always doing education and having to do that work on top of the, you know, their regular scholarship responsibilities, and then it's like, just so much gaslighting and you know... 

Patricia  29:57  
Walking on eggshells? Like there's so much that we have to do to, like comfort and maintain white fragility, like at school and it's a nightmare, like, the thing is to like we were talking about, like with my bio and stuff, I get so scared talking about any sort of like scholastic or like community award I win, because I've been learned to like, say, like, you know, the fact that like, I'm a successful woman of colour like, that makes me a threat. And that makes me like, unpleasant and like, not fun to be around. So oftentimes, like, I end up having to degrade myself or like, downplay, like, anything I've won, because otherwise, like, it makes like, white people feel so uncomfortable and unhappy. And it's ridiculous. Like, if I were to see like, my friends of colour with those awards, which I do, because you all so talented, like I'm like, Yeah, you did it. But with myself, it's like, maybe it was an accident. Like, you know, it's ugh.

Prakash  30:52  
Oh, yeah, unlearning this internalized white supremacy, and like learning how to like navigate around like white institutions and how to like, you know, move around white fragility and how to like how do I say something to like correct you but won't like you know, trouble your white sensibilities is like it definitely a necessary learned skill in order to, to be able to like, stay within these institutions. 

Okay, we are out of time, but I want to hear around the table maybe like one self care practice that you have been doing to take care of yourself. If you have not been doing anything. What is something that you're going to speak into existence, and will start doing as of today, Kristen?

Kristen  31:26  
I feel like my self care thing is really obvious. I listen to a lot of Beyoncé, and I dance around my apartment.

Prakash  31:34  
I love that. Music. Movement. 

Kristen  31:36  
Yeah.

Prakash  31:37  
All good things.

Patricia  31:37  
Amazing. I would say quite similarly, I listen to Megan thee Stallion, I watched Megan thee Stallion music videos. Self Care is like a huge thing, right? Like it's a ritual. It's something you do as a kind of, what's the word? Self care can be an act of rebellion when you're living in a society that that doesn't want you to exist that wants you to assimilate, that wants to hurt you. And it's something you can do when you don't have access to community care. So definitely watching Megan thee Stallion music videos. Buying myself strange silicone objects online for private time, and you can see here. I'm holding it up to the camera. I got this weird egg that came with it. I think it's supposed to be a kegel ball, but the website advertised it. It came for free with the other silicone items I got as like an ovipositor egg. You're supposed to lay. Very gross, but I use it as a stress ball now. And also keeping in touch with my own skincare following the Twitter account. What is it? Make up for women of colour. She is so amazing. She's called your skincare fave also on Twitter, and she gives the best advice. Like how to find like sunscreen for like your skin type and like how to make sure you look better than white people.

Kristen  31:46  
Always the goal.

Prakash  32:27  
For me, I'm moved into a new apartment. I live by myself now. And I've been really like just letting myself enjoy having a window. Like getting some light as I sit here inside all day. Got my plants going and it brings me so much joy just like looking at them and seeing like new leaves grow and whatnot. And I'm going to hold myself accountable because I've been saying this forever. And I've not done it is I'm going to start stretching. 

Kristen  33:19  
Oh my god. 

Prakash  33:20  
I'm going to unfurl my yoga mat after four years, and I'm going to stretch. 

Patricia  33:24  
Let me know. 

Prakash  33:25  
I'm not gonna call it yoga, but I'm going to stretch. 

Patricia  33:26  
Let me know which YouTube channels you look for for yoga videos because I'm also interested in stretching.

Prakash  33:33  
Because my whole body, you know what? We'll have the conversation about chronic illness and chronic pain another day, but I need it. 

Kristen  33:40  
Yeah. 

Prakash  33:40  
I need it. 

Patricia  33:40  
Yes. 

Prakash  33:41  
Okay. Well, thank you so much, Patricia for joining us today on this program. Hopefully we'll see you soon.

Patricia  33:47  
Thank you so much. 

Prakash  33:48  
Rest of y'all, we hope we see y'all soon too. So subscribe, and stay in the know.

All  33:54  
Bye.

Patricia  33:55  
Love you kids. 

Kristen  33:56  
You can find us on these your internet's at dothekidsknow.ca. Make sure to visit our Instagram page @dothekidsknow for updates and reading recommendations. Subscribe to our newsletter at tinyletter.com/dothekidsknow. Visit our Patreon where you can drop us a monthly tip of $1 or $5 to show your appreciation with your hard earned coins or your trust fund if you have one. We're also on Twitter, Facebook, and Tik Tok, but we don't really use those so certainly handle @dothekidsknow for infrequent surprise gems. Have you got questions, comments or concerns? Email us at dothekidsknow@gmail.com And finally, please rate, review, and subscribe. That helps other kids stay in the know

Transcribed by https://otter.ai